I:  The Creation of Hyrule
A great many aeons had passed since the last terrible cataclysm
befell the many lands of Hyrule.  The cries of war were foreign to the
tongues of men, and the stories of old gradually transcended into
legend.  Blissful as the situation might have been, it did little to
appease the goddesses: Nayru, Din, and Farore.  

Once long ago, before the world had taken form, the three goddesses
descended upon the chaotic earth. Din, the Goddess of Power, dyed
red the mountains with fire and created the land.  Nayru, the
Goddess of Wisdom brought forth science and wizardry, and gave
order to this brave new world.  Farore, the Goddess of Courage,
unleashed her rich soul upon the new earth to create life…

“It was a challenge,” said Farore of her handiwork.  “I mean, most
everything turned out okay, like the Hylians and the Zora.  But there
were some… errors.  We’ve sealed them away in a distant realm, but
it’s only a matter of time before they escape.”  When pressed further
about these errors, Farore would only say, “It tingles too much when
I think about it.  Sorry.”

With their work complete, the three Goddesses returned to the
firmament above to watch over their new creation—unfortunately, it
was boring as hell, so they created a symbol of their strength, a
golden triangle known as the Triforce.  Contained within the Triforce
was the very essence of the Goddesses, an echo of their divine
wisdom that gently guided forward the denizens of the new world.
Sealed away in a hiding place known as the Golden Land, the
Triforce beckoned people from the outside world to seek its
guidance. Those worthy of the Triforce would be granted immense
power and bestowed with three titles of legend: The Forger of
Strength, the Keeper of Knowledge, and The Juror of Courage.
In the aeons that followed, many dared seek the Triforce in the
Golden Land, and as a result, many terrible wars befell the land of
Hyrule.  This did well to appease the goddesses, for they were
heartily entertained for many long years.  
In fact, it is rumored that Farore laughed
so hard during the Imprisoning War that
she broke wind and inadvertently
created yet another world—vaguely
known as the Wand of Gamelon (but that
is an entirely different story).
However, the aeons passed and, much to the goddesses chagrin, peace befell the many lands of
Hyrule.  Factions that had previously made war with each other now made babies.  Year after
year, it was all rainbows and butterflies.  Crestfallen, the goddesses almost gave up on their
creation in favor of opening a Taco Bell in Toronto, when they discovered a Gerudo man by the
name of Ganondorf Dragmire.  “Yeah,” said Ganondorf of the encounter, “I was vacationing on
Delfino Island—my good friend, Bowser, recommended the resort to me—but anyway, I was
sunning myself on the beach near Pinna Park when these three broads caught a glimpse of me.  I
don’t blame them for coming over—I was hot stuff back then.  They were going on and on about
power and courage.  I couldn’t resist.”   It seemed that some slovenly, evil men still desired the
Triforce after all…

Ganondorf was an evil man, with an evil plan. The only male born to the Gerudos in nearly a
century, Ganondorf was immediately proclaimed the Gerudo King upon his birth.  As a child,
young Ganondorf was often upset with Hyrule’s weather patterns, duly noting that his people
got the shaft.  While warm, gentle breezes brought prosperity to the land of Hyrule, those same
winds brought death and destruction to the Gerudos.  Since, obviously, Ganondorf could not
wage war against the weather, he thusly made it is goal in life to ensure Hyrule suffered.

He also became the self-proclaimed King of Evil.

In order to accomplish his dastardly goals, Ganondorf sought the infinite power that came with
the Triforce—shockingly evil, for a world that had long ago forsaken such things.  In order to
obtain that power—and all of Hyrule— Ganondorf intended to hold hostage some hot girls and
have them killed in the rare event a Dashing Young Hero™ dared oppose his evil might.  Excited
by these possibilities, the Goddesses immediately set out to find a Dashing Young Hero™
worthy of Ganondorf’s evil plan.
“Me… uh… big hero,” proclaimed Grok after his audition.  “Me… uh… me save
pretty girl and… uh… me have her for dinner…  Serve with side of tektite legs.”  
When asked of his previous heroic roles, Grok was far less talkative.  “Me star in…
uh… Legend of Grok.  Grok big hero in Holodrum.”

Eventually, the goddesses settled upon a previously unknown hero by the name of
Faerie Jim.  Unfortunately, he overdosed on purple chu jelly and died—ironically,
without a faerie in his inventory—shortly before production began.  Left without a
hero to stand up to Ganondorf’s pending invasion, the Goddesses had no choice
but to cast an inexperienced young boy with an unfortunate taste in clothing (green
and gold is SO last season).  We tried to interview him, but quickly discovered the
kid was a mute.
Over the course of several months, the Goddesses
auditioned dozens of Hyrule’s elite, A-list heroes,
including Grok the Cross-eyed Moblin, Robin
Williams, Carrot Top, and a moderately disgruntled
Goriya from Tantari (unfortunately, he had a criminal
record and was sent to the Arbiter Grounds in the
Gerudo Mesa).
GORIYA OF TANTARI:
FIEND!!
Faerie Jim poses with the
Master Sword.
Still, the kid looked
moderately heroic.  He
didn't smell half bad.  
And the fact that he was
mute meant that he
couldn't protest when the
Goddesses, in their
infinite wisdom, opted
NOT to pay the little
whelp for his troubles...
Meanwhile, Ganondorf’s evil plans were already well underway.  His minions in
the dark world had already constructed several challenging labyrinths in which to
hide his stolen maidens.  Certainly there was NO way that any hero could conquer
all of them.  Even so, Ganondorf manned the labyrinths with
hundreds of inept guards and a slew of his most vile monsters—
and in order to ensure those beasts could not be so easily felled,
Ganondorf wisely hid the items necessary to defeat the
aforementioned beasts deep inside the dungeons in which they
lurked.

“I’m really quite revolutionary in that regard,” said Ganondorf of
his cunning plan.  “Nobody in their right mind is stupid enough to
enter those dungeons.  Not even I would dare set foot inside—gives
me the willies… and I’m afraid of the dark.  And of Keese.  Nasty
little things.  Ugh…  So hiding the items necessary to defeat my
monsters right alongside them will virtually ensure they will never
be defeated!”

With construction of his numerous dungeons complete, Ganondorf
hired an evil wizard by the name of Agahnim to perform the actual
abductions.  “I tried that once,” said Ganondorf of the abductions.  
“But I’m not much of an athlete, and besides, I don’t really have a
lot of time on my hands.  I have an evil organization to run and all
that jazz.  I can’t be wasting time performing menial tasks.  So I like
to delegate.  Everything seems to work out well.”
GANON:  Let's put a really big snout on there!  Yeah!  It'll look really cool.

MOTHULA:  ...If we must...

GANON:  There's no need to worry!  The only way to open it will be with the Fire Rod!  
And that's going to be safe and sound with you, INSIDE the dungeon!
Agahnim was a particularly effective minion, kidnapping seven
of Hyrule’s hottest maidens, including Princess Zelda herself.   
“This actually my second abduction,” said Zelda of her
incarceration.  “But due to a hazy timeline in this universe, I
think it actually takes place before the other two.  I don’t know.  I
can’t keep this shit straight.”  In addition to her numerous
incarcerations, Zelda has also been turned to stone and fallen into
a deep and apparently eternal sleep.  “Again,” said Zelda, “I’m
not even certain if that was actually me turning to stone.  It might
have been one of my ancestors.”

As a reward for his evil cunning, Agahnim was rewarded with
Hyrule Castle.  “Honestly, I wasn’t expecting this,” he said of the
prize.  “I already have a fairly nice love shack in Termina—but
this will make for a decent summer home, I suppose.  But the
taxes here are killer!”  Ganondorf would later mention that, as a
shadowy minion of evil, Agahnim does not actually have to pay
taxes.  “Paying taxes isn’t very evil, so I like to discourage that
whenever possible.  Collecting them… now, that’s a whole other story.  Before I became head of this evil
organization, I used to work for the IRS—that’s where I became known as the King of Evil.”
Now, one might imagine, amidst all of this chaos, where is the King of Hyrule?  Why
does he not protect his castle from invasion?  Why does he let so many fine looking
women fall into the clutches of evil—including his own daughter?  Well, we caught up
with King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule outside a gambling cave near Lake Hylia.  While
the king himself was evasive, and refused to answer any of our questions, the Old
Wench inside provided plenty.  “He’s in here all the time,” said the Wench.  “Probably
gambled away all of the royal treasures.  I’ve got Light Arrows… I’ve got Master
Swords… I even have a Mirror Shield around here somewhere!”  She laughed.  “No
wonder the Princess is always getting kidnapped.”

We asked the Old Wench what she did with the goods from Hyrule Castle, but she
refused to say.  However, later that night, we witnessed a familiar face approaching the
cave.  “Yeah, I come here too,” said Ganondorf.  “Lots of great treasures here…”
So, all of the pieces were in place.  The maidens were kidnapped,
inept guards had taken over the myriad dungeons across Hyrule,
and Ganondorf was in his tower, high atop Death Mountain.  
“That’s the sucky part,” said Ganondorf, casually sipping at a cup
of tea.  “Now I just sit here and wait.  It almost makes me long for
the days when I was an inept guard.  Yeah.  Guard duty in Level
Two.  I got to guard a key.  Not very exciting.  But at least I was in
on the action.  Now… hah… you won’t see me until the end of the
game!”


And so, the story now falls upon our dear, unpaid hero…