II: Infiltration of Hyrule Castle
A steady rain descended from the
heavens on this chill summer eve. Dark
clouds roiled in twilit skies above, but
there were few in this world who
recognized it as the harbinger of things
to come.
There was a clasp of thunder, a flash of
lightning… and that melodious voice
floating amidst the turbulent gale. The
time for heroes was at hand…
heavens on this chill summer eve. Dark
clouds roiled in twilit skies above, but
there were few in this world who
recognized it as the harbinger of things
to come.
There was a clasp of thunder, a flash of
lightning… and that melodious voice
floating amidst the turbulent gale. The
time for heroes was at hand…
| The Legend... as told by Rayburn H. Sacamano III, Link's Not-Quite-Beloved Uncle |
Yeah. That little shit was asleep. And there was no way in hell I
was going to wake his lazy ass up. If there’s bitches in distress,
Rayburn H. Sacamano III is going to be the one to save ‘em—not my
that little shit of a nephew! I don’t care who the hell cast him as a
hero! I’m a PIMP; if someone’s gonna have a go with them bitches,
it’s gonna be ME! So I grabbed my steel sword—I already got the
wooden one in my pants—and made a run for it!
But as luck would have it, Link chose that exact moment to wake
his lazy ass up—he knew what all was going on. So I looked him
straight in the eye and told him keep his scrawny white ass in bed!
Ain’t nobody want to see him walkin’ around in that gay-ass getup
was going to wake his lazy ass up. If there’s bitches in distress,
Rayburn H. Sacamano III is going to be the one to save ‘em—not my
that little shit of a nephew! I don’t care who the hell cast him as a
hero! I’m a PIMP; if someone’s gonna have a go with them bitches,
it’s gonna be ME! So I grabbed my steel sword—I already got the
wooden one in my pants—and made a run for it!
But as luck would have it, Link chose that exact moment to wake
his lazy ass up—he knew what all was going on. So I looked him
straight in the eye and told him keep his scrawny white ass in bed!
Ain’t nobody want to see him walkin’ around in that gay-ass getup
of his. Who dressed
that boy, anyway?
Not Rayburn H.
Sacamano III! True
dat! Anyway, I says to
the little shit that I’d
be back before
morning—I was
assuming there was
only one bitch in
trouble; otherwise, I
might have been gone
all day.
So, sword in pants, I
set out into the night.
Yeah, that right foo’s--
that boy, anyway?
Not Rayburn H.
Sacamano III! True
dat! Anyway, I says to
the little shit that I’d
be back before
morning—I was
assuming there was
only one bitch in
trouble; otherwise, I
might have been gone
all day.
So, sword in pants, I
set out into the night.
Yeah, that right foo’s--
sword in pants. All those pansy-ass white boys, they take swords in
hand like they is saving the world or, something! Shit! They just
compensating for their frank and beans—probably mini-franks and
chick peas, or something… That’s right! Rayburn H. Sacamano III
tells it like it is! White boys are pansies! Yeah, you let me go one-
one-one with Cloud Strife--I show him how a REAL man fights...
Hell, I'd even give him a few tips on how to keep his bitch from
getting capped!
Anyway, I’m cruising toward Hyrule Castle, and it’s crazy raining—
kind of reminded me of my bitch the day I told her I was leavin’ her
for another bitch. Now, I get about halfway to the castle when I see
her… a hella hot bizzo if I ever seen one! So I aksed her if she was
the one calling me; the bitch said, “No,” but I’m digging her, she’s
digging me, so I aks if she wants to get all freaky and shit—and you
know she does… cuz after all, I’m Rayburn H. Sacamano III! So the
bitch says we should head someplace a little more private—I ain’t
got no problems banging a bitch in public, but if they ain’t into that
sorta thing, I’m cool with that. So I followed her up to Hyrule
Castle—checkin’ her tight ass the entire time—and she led me to a
secret entrance. Before you know it, we was inside the castle, and I
was banging her like a drum!
Now, I’d like to pause for a moment to have a candid, serious talk
with all you guys out there. All this talk of banging bitches might
have you a little horny… perhaps you might even be considering
getting it on with your own bitch—which I would strongly
encourage you to do. But know this: Rayburn H. Sacamano III is a
rebel—I be banging bitches 24/7, and I don’t use no protection—the
hand like they is saving the world or, something! Shit! They just
compensating for their frank and beans—probably mini-franks and
chick peas, or something… That’s right! Rayburn H. Sacamano III
tells it like it is! White boys are pansies! Yeah, you let me go one-
one-one with Cloud Strife--I show him how a REAL man fights...
Hell, I'd even give him a few tips on how to keep his bitch from
getting capped!
Anyway, I’m cruising toward Hyrule Castle, and it’s crazy raining—
kind of reminded me of my bitch the day I told her I was leavin’ her
for another bitch. Now, I get about halfway to the castle when I see
her… a hella hot bizzo if I ever seen one! So I aksed her if she was
the one calling me; the bitch said, “No,” but I’m digging her, she’s
digging me, so I aks if she wants to get all freaky and shit—and you
know she does… cuz after all, I’m Rayburn H. Sacamano III! So the
bitch says we should head someplace a little more private—I ain’t
got no problems banging a bitch in public, but if they ain’t into that
sorta thing, I’m cool with that. So I followed her up to Hyrule
Castle—checkin’ her tight ass the entire time—and she led me to a
secret entrance. Before you know it, we was inside the castle, and I
was banging her like a drum!
Now, I’d like to pause for a moment to have a candid, serious talk
with all you guys out there. All this talk of banging bitches might
have you a little horny… perhaps you might even be considering
getting it on with your own bitch—which I would strongly
encourage you to do. But know this: Rayburn H. Sacamano III is a
rebel—I be banging bitches 24/7, and I don’t use no protection—the
rubber socks just ain’t for me. But being a pimp is risky business! Now… y’all ain’t no pimps!
For Ray Sacamano’s sake, use the protection! Why do y’all think I’m living with that nephew of
mine? He ain’t no orphan! Link’s daddy—my brother’s son—knocked up a pretty maiden in
Kakariko Village when he was about Link’s age… didn’t want the little shit, so Old Uncle
Rayburn got him. So use the rubbers!
Anyway, I’m in the basement of Hyrule Castle, getting in on with that bitch—when I find out she’
s packin’ heat! Next thing I know, the bitch pistol-whips me, takes my every last rupee, and runs
out on me. That’s right—she had the nerve to run out on Rayburn H. Sacamano III! SHIT! I
could have given that bitch a HELL of a ride! But she wasn’t interested. She just left me,
unconscious in the basement—and there was rats down there… RATS!!! I could have been
diseased, or worse! What if one of them little fuckers gnawed off my tapioca fountain? SHIT! I’d
be in the unemployment line, bitches!
For Ray Sacamano’s sake, use the protection! Why do y’all think I’m living with that nephew of
mine? He ain’t no orphan! Link’s daddy—my brother’s son—knocked up a pretty maiden in
Kakariko Village when he was about Link’s age… didn’t want the little shit, so Old Uncle
Rayburn got him. So use the rubbers!
Anyway, I’m in the basement of Hyrule Castle, getting in on with that bitch—when I find out she’
s packin’ heat! Next thing I know, the bitch pistol-whips me, takes my every last rupee, and runs
out on me. That’s right—she had the nerve to run out on Rayburn H. Sacamano III! SHIT! I
could have given that bitch a HELL of a ride! But she wasn’t interested. She just left me,
unconscious in the basement—and there was rats down there… RATS!!! I could have been
diseased, or worse! What if one of them little fuckers gnawed off my tapioca fountain? SHIT! I’d
be in the unemployment line, bitches!
PANSY
I don’t know how long I was out for. Could have been minutes.
Could have been days. But the next thing I remember is Link and his
gay-ass tunic sloshing through the sewer. I knew the kid was a mute,
but I didn’t know the little shit was deaf, too! I told him to keep his
sorry white ass in bed! I guess it didn’t really matter at that point.
My ass was out of business—no more bitches for me. So I did the
only thing I could do—I gave my mighty blade and all its … ahem…
“magical powers” to Link. I just hoped the fool could learn the
“secret technique.” Well, hell, at that point, I was just hoping that
Link could get himself a bitch to ride… He could worry about the
secret technique later—and no, I won’t be talking about that one,
boys. After all, it is a family secret…
And that pretty much 86’d my role in this piece of shit story. I got my
ass out of that sewer before the rats could gnaw off something
important! I climbed into my ghetto sled and cruised to a more pimp
friendly locale…
Or so I thought.
Could have been days. But the next thing I remember is Link and his
gay-ass tunic sloshing through the sewer. I knew the kid was a mute,
but I didn’t know the little shit was deaf, too! I told him to keep his
sorry white ass in bed! I guess it didn’t really matter at that point.
My ass was out of business—no more bitches for me. So I did the
only thing I could do—I gave my mighty blade and all its … ahem…
“magical powers” to Link. I just hoped the fool could learn the
“secret technique.” Well, hell, at that point, I was just hoping that
Link could get himself a bitch to ride… He could worry about the
secret technique later—and no, I won’t be talking about that one,
boys. After all, it is a family secret…
And that pretty much 86’d my role in this piece of shit story. I got my
ass out of that sewer before the rats could gnaw off something
important! I climbed into my ghetto sled and cruised to a more pimp
friendly locale…
Or so I thought.
RAY: Hey, baby! Is that a mirror in
your pocket?
TERRA: What?
RAY: Yeah! I can see myself in your
pants!
TERRA: Go to hell.
RAY: ...Tough crowd.
your pocket?
TERRA: What?
RAY: Yeah! I can see myself in your
pants!
TERRA: Go to hell.
RAY: ...Tough crowd.
…And so Link took sword in hand (yes, in hand) and
set out into the heart of Hyrule Castle. It was a
splendorous structure like no other in this verdant
land. Walls of bricked gold were decorated with lavish
tapestries; a crimson carpet covered the floor,
beckoning Link toward a golden stairway that could
lead to nowhere but the opulent throne. Though he
long desired to set his eyes upon Hyrule’s seat of
power, he knew well that time did not afford him that
option…
set out into the heart of Hyrule Castle. It was a
splendorous structure like no other in this verdant
land. Walls of bricked gold were decorated with lavish
tapestries; a crimson carpet covered the floor,
beckoning Link toward a golden stairway that could
lead to nowhere but the opulent throne. Though he
long desired to set his eyes upon Hyrule’s seat of
power, he knew well that time did not afford him that
option…
Unfortunately, our dear hero was suddenly stricken with a bit of a problem. In his
haste to evacuate his humble abode, he took not the time to evacuate his bladder.
Frantic, Link desperately searched the entire castle for the Royal Bathroom—alas,
there was none to be found. Nor did he see the Royal Kitchen. Or the Royal
Bedroom. Or the Royal Gymnasium. He did, however, glimpse the Royal Janitor’s
Closet, but it was not at all inviting.
Curious, we spoke with renowned castle architect Ganondorf Dragmire about this
unusual situation. “Well, I don’t usually put bathrooms in my dungeons,” said
Ganondorf. “Honestly, what do I care if the moblins shit themselves? At the very
least it will make them smell a little better. They should just be glad they’re on the
payroll—and if they do shit themselves, they can use that money to buy new pants.
Simple as that.” But when asked about his own, personal castle, Ganondorf’s take
was much, much different. “Of course I have a bathroom—I’m the freaking King of
Evil! I can’t go around shitting myself! It would be undignified! I mean, what
would you think, coming into the final battle, if I had a little diarrhea running down
the side of my leg? Who would want to fight THAT?” So, what are Ganondorf’s
thoughts on Hyrule Castle? “Obviously,” he says, “they are a backwards people
and need to be conquered. That’s why I’m here. To liberate bladders across the
land.”
Eventually, Link’s search for the elusive bathroom brought him to a boomerang
and a map of Hyrule Castle, which settled once and for all the bathroom situation—
nary a single bathroom existed within the entirety of the castle. Crestfallen, Link
made his way to the prison where the Princess was held…
haste to evacuate his humble abode, he took not the time to evacuate his bladder.
Frantic, Link desperately searched the entire castle for the Royal Bathroom—alas,
there was none to be found. Nor did he see the Royal Kitchen. Or the Royal
Bedroom. Or the Royal Gymnasium. He did, however, glimpse the Royal Janitor’s
Closet, but it was not at all inviting.
Curious, we spoke with renowned castle architect Ganondorf Dragmire about this
unusual situation. “Well, I don’t usually put bathrooms in my dungeons,” said
Ganondorf. “Honestly, what do I care if the moblins shit themselves? At the very
least it will make them smell a little better. They should just be glad they’re on the
payroll—and if they do shit themselves, they can use that money to buy new pants.
Simple as that.” But when asked about his own, personal castle, Ganondorf’s take
was much, much different. “Of course I have a bathroom—I’m the freaking King of
Evil! I can’t go around shitting myself! It would be undignified! I mean, what
would you think, coming into the final battle, if I had a little diarrhea running down
the side of my leg? Who would want to fight THAT?” So, what are Ganondorf’s
thoughts on Hyrule Castle? “Obviously,” he says, “they are a backwards people
and need to be conquered. That’s why I’m here. To liberate bladders across the
land.”
Eventually, Link’s search for the elusive bathroom brought him to a boomerang
and a map of Hyrule Castle, which settled once and for all the bathroom situation—
nary a single bathroom existed within the entirety of the castle. Crestfallen, Link
made his way to the prison where the Princess was held…
| The Legend... as told by Princess Zelda |
I’ve spent my fair share of time cooped up in a dungeon, so I know the routine. You
sit there and wait until the hero arrives. After all that sitting, you kind of start to get
a picture of your savior in your mind’s eye. Me? I imagined a tall, muscular man
with flowing locks of dark hair and ethereal brown eyes! He’d sweep in from above,
take out the guards—and conveniently rip his shirt in the process, revealing to me
his muscular chest!
So, I was understandably speechless when this short, blonde-haired kid came
strolling down the stairs. The stairs! Ugh! He couldn’t have been more than fifteen
years old! He immediately starts hacking away at the guard—a ball and chain
trooper, no less—with a dinky little sword. Evidently the kid had a death wish. I
was almost embarrassed to be rescued by him… but since all of the guards were
dead, nobody would actually see me with him, so when the ball and chain trooper
was finally felled, I accepted his rescue.
sit there and wait until the hero arrives. After all that sitting, you kind of start to get
a picture of your savior in your mind’s eye. Me? I imagined a tall, muscular man
with flowing locks of dark hair and ethereal brown eyes! He’d sweep in from above,
take out the guards—and conveniently rip his shirt in the process, revealing to me
his muscular chest!
So, I was understandably speechless when this short, blonde-haired kid came
strolling down the stairs. The stairs! Ugh! He couldn’t have been more than fifteen
years old! He immediately starts hacking away at the guard—a ball and chain
trooper, no less—with a dinky little sword. Evidently the kid had a death wish. I
was almost embarrassed to be rescued by him… but since all of the guards were
dead, nobody would actually see me with him, so when the ball and chain trooper
was finally felled, I accepted his rescue.
He seemed to want something from me… but since he was apparently unable to
speak, I decided it was best to be rid of him. I led him through the sewers to the
Sanctuary, where we met with an honorable Sage, known to me only as Old
Man. (I have not the time, nor the patience to learn all these people’s names).
The Old Man spoke of the Master Sword, the blade of evil’s bane. He said that
this sword was the only way to defeat Agahnim and his forces. He said a bunch
of other stuff, too, but I wasn’t really listening to any of that. What is it with these
old windbags, anyway? You’d think that, given their advanced age, they would
want to be a little more succinct? It would seem not.
Anyway, I was rescued. Like it or not, I owed that kid a debt of gratitude. If
only I knew what he wanted…
speak, I decided it was best to be rid of him. I led him through the sewers to the
Sanctuary, where we met with an honorable Sage, known to me only as Old
Man. (I have not the time, nor the patience to learn all these people’s names).
The Old Man spoke of the Master Sword, the blade of evil’s bane. He said that
this sword was the only way to defeat Agahnim and his forces. He said a bunch
of other stuff, too, but I wasn’t really listening to any of that. What is it with these
old windbags, anyway? You’d think that, given their advanced age, they would
want to be a little more succinct? It would seem not.
Anyway, I was rescued. Like it or not, I owed that kid a debt of gratitude. If
only I knew what he wanted…
| And so, our brave and valiant hero managed to pass his first test. But did he have within him the courage to retrieve the blade of evil’s bane? |